Confrontation

Sometimes your mind goes places where you wish it didn't because it crosses the line, even in thought form. For instance, cancer is one of those things. You don't make a snappy comeback at somebody and tell them that they caused your cancer (ESPECIALLY if you don't have cancer, that's just disrespectful to all who do!) because you figure that inevitably it'll happen since it's rampant around here.

I feel guilty for those thoughts sometimes. I have been known to say them even, under my breath, just to where the person can't hear me but asks what I said. Of course I don't repeat it. But it makes you feel better momentarily to have just gone there. I've also done that in angry emails back to idiots. You type it out, hitting those keys as angrily as you can, like yelling through your fingertips, read it, let out a big deep angry vindicated breath, and watch that backspace button wipe it all away.

I'm bad at confrontation in real life, but I pretty well kick ass at it in my own mind. Because in my own mind, nobody's feelings get hurt by the cruel things I want to say. Nobody has a snappier comment or puts me in my place (as if I could ever have a place to be put in!). Nobody makes it personal and hurts me. In real life, I learned from the days of Barbies and Truth or Dare that you weren't going to like the outcome unless you played both parts. I also learned about that time about passive-aggressiveness. Namely, my mom would undermine my attempts at being the cool Barbie because it made her the less-cool barbie and would spoil my fun. Low. Ok, show and tell time on childhood scars is over.

So bottom line, if I don't like you, you'll probably know it but won't quite know why. I won't overtly tell you off usually or try to confront you to make things better. Things will probably never recover after we face off. I'll resent you to the end of your days. I never learned how to deal with confrontation even a tiny little bit.

Wow, really I will find a happy warm and fuzzy to share soon. Life's just been a bit on that downward trend the past few weeks. Drama, hrmph.